


Safe place

by multikags



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Developing Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Time Skip, Pre-Relationship, Slow Burn, Supportive Bokuto Koutarou
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:40:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27359674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/multikags/pseuds/multikags
Summary: *TRIGGER WARNING*Homophobia, anxiety, violence.Akaashi feels pressure coming from everywhere. His mother, his boss, his feelings. Bokuto tries to help him as much as he can, being the supportive person he has always been; but that doesn't help when Akaashi is in love with him.Being to scared to admit his sexuality and his feelings, Akaashi struggles through the years.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Kudos: 7





	1. After the match

Akaashi Keiji needed a safe place to bear being with his mother. His father died short after Akaashi was born, so he didn’t have any memories with him. But what mattered most to him about that was that his mother hadn’t take it well, transforming from a sweet woman in love, to a strict, conservative person. At least that was what his family always told him. Akaashi’s distant family praised the woman his mother was now, proud of how she had “corrected” herself and how the person she was before was weak and naive; someone who wasn’t worth of being welcomed in her own family.

That’s why Keiji needed a safe place. Even if his mother had gone through a lot, Keiji couldn’t forgive her for the way she treated him: forcing him to act as this perfect son who would never defy his mother. His family, his mother, and the world were a threat to him. So, when he met Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi knew he had found that safe place.

The spiker was such a comprehensive and genuine person, that even if he wasn’t reliable in a game (taking into account all his mood changes), Akaashi found himself unable to stay away from him. It was as if life itself was telling him “he´s gonna protect you, he´s gonna care about you. Stay with him and everything will be fine”.

By the end of the first day of Akaashi’s first day of high school, the setter and the spiker became friends, and a couple months later they were inseparable. Everyone on the team couldn’t quite understand why or how the first-year setter could understand Bokuto so well. They were astonished with the way Akaashi always knew how to make Bokuto get back into his good mood. Most of them had spent all last year not knowing how to deal with him and just letting him feel better on his own; but Akaashi knew the spiker as good as the palm of his hand.

Though it wasn’t just that Keiji understood Bokuto; the spiker did too. Even if the team didn’t notice, the setter couldn’t ignore how Bokuto was always hyping his friends, how he always tried to comfort his teammates. How he was unconditionally there for them, for Akaashi. And because all of these supportive attitudes weren’t one sided, Keiji could call him his safe place.

Keiji felt so safe when he was with Koutarou. He didn´t think about his mother, and all his problems seemed so simple. With Koutarou by his side, he felt that he could even confront his mother. Not that he would do it, but the feeling didn´t cease to reassure him. He felt that nobody understood him so well as the spiker, and that even if he was childish, he was the strongest person he knew. Bokuto always made him give the 120% of himself and always pushed him forward.

And Akaashi was there for Bokuto each time he needed. Whether it was with training, friendship or trust. The setter always believed in Bokuto: in his skills, his hunches and in everything he said. Because Bokuto was the most honest and caring person Akaashi knew.

His other teammates were also reliable and amazing friends, but Bokuto was different. He was a star. A star Akaashi was lucky enough to have. Everything seemed insignificant compared with their friendship. They were the protagonists of the world. 

Throughout all their high school years, their friendship evolved, especially in Bokuto’s last tournament. So many things happened; Akaashi being off, Bokuto telling him they were gonna win, and then, loosing. When they lost, Akaashi couldn’t tell Bokuto anything. He didn’t know what to say to his best friend, to his ace; to his safe place. The only thing Akaashi wanted in that moment was to make Bokuto feel good, to return everything Koutarou made him feel, and be Bokuto’s safe place.

After hearing what Konoha told Bokuto, he knew that their ace would be fine. He knew Bokuto would ask him to toss to him for hours to improve, to continue fighting, to win every game he had. Yet Akaashi couldn’t help but feel strange. He started feeling something he didn’t recognize, but it was so strong it physically ached him. The only feeling he could recognize was one he knew too well. One that he never felt around Koutarou. Fear. Fear for what he had just realized.

Keiji had lied to himself for so long, but the truth was so evident in that moment that he had no choice but to accept that he was in love with Bokuto. And nothing had ever scared him that much. This was the worst-case scenario Akaashi could think of. He started to feel like he was driven to the past, to all the conversation his mother had have with him, and to all the slaps that came with them.

He couldn’t be in love with a boy. He couldn’t be in love with a boy his mother knew. He couldn’t be in love with Koutarou-

But why?

How could he not be in love with him. He was his safe place. He knew him better than he knew himself. And even knowing that he lied to himself about who he was, he could be the most genuine version of himself with Koutarou. How could he not be in love with Koutarou. With the purest person life had showed to him. The most determined, loving, and beautiful person. The person life had given him. His safe place.

Feeling love, *romantic* love for the spiker was such a contradiction with everything he had been taught that he couldn’t hide the guilt he was feeling. Accepting this was such a duel to Keiji, he quickly changed clothes to avoid going with the third years on the train. It felt so wrong escaping from Koutarou, Akaashi couldn’t control himself to grab his phone a couple times to call him. Afterall, he was heading to his house. Where his mother was expecting for him. Where punish would welcome him.

But Akaashi had learned something with all the “talks” he had had with his mother: if he knew he was gonna be punished, it would be better if he was alone.

He turned off his phone.

The moment he got home, he couldn’t even look at his mother in the eyes. He didn’t want her to read the look on his face. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes. Keiji hated disappointing people, even if it was someone like his mother.

A big part of him almost hated his mother. That part wanted to hate his mother. But the other part loved her. Or at least the person she was before he was born. The person he imagined as his safe place before meeting Bokuto. A mother that loved him and accepted him and would never hurt him. A person that would trust him, and that he could trust in.

When his mother noticed he was home, she tried going in for a hug, since her son had lost an important game. But Akaashi unconsciously moved away from her. Even Keiji was surprised by this. He had to be the perfect son, and the perfect son had to love his mother and reach for her. Akaashi had to be this person. But at the end of the day, he was just a human. A human who has his limits.

“Look at me, Keiji.” His mother said firmly, with her imposing tone.

Keiji shuddered. He tried to think of nice things, but in his mind, an image of Koutarou and him smiling immediately popped. His mind automatically went to his safe place; did what it thought would make Keiji feel better. Keiji’s mind thought of Bokuto to calm himself, to try to deny all the bad feelings he had whenever he was near his mother.

But in these circumstances, that ended up scaring him even more, making him move away from his mother, crashing a lamp in the process. Keiji heard how it cracked, and turned his gaze down to the broken lamp with big, scared eyes. He closed his eyes as fast as he could to try to think he was in another situation. To think he was safe. But Bokuto wasn’t with him. He wasn’t safe.

He heard his mother’s heavy breathing approaching him. He already knew this situation to well. His brain repeatedly made him remember each time he had been hit, mostly in his dreams. He knew his body should react to his aggressor moving towards him, but he was so tired; of his feelings, of trying to avoid this, of trying to feel that he belonged somewhere. Keiji was hitting his limit and had no energy to move.

He couldn’t control his body. Couldn’t move. Didn’t know what to do. His thoughts were divided, thinking about giving up and asking himself what the hell to do. After all these years he still hadn’t figured out what to do when his mother slapped him. His left cheek burned as his brain barely processed what his mother was yelling at him. He could hear something like “disappointed”, “clean”, “fuck”, “abort” and things like that. Nothing that surprised him really, though it still hurt.

It hurt to know that your mother doesn’t love you. To know that most people would prefer you hadn’t been born. To know that even if you had someone special, being with him would bring you even more pain.To know that you weren’t yourself around anyone, and that even if they loved you, that wasn’t you. All of these made him feel so tired. So weak. Keiji just wanted to give up. What was the point of going on? He would only suffer and feel pain. It’s not like he would get rid of his mother anytime close. And Bokuto would probably find a nice girlfriend in college and slowly start forgetting him. Akaashi felt so alone it was barely bearable.

Akaashi waited until his mother sighed and left the room to clean up what was left from the lamp. He noticed the design of the lamp and felt his heart ache when he noticed it was one of his dad’s lamps. Keiji didn’t like admitting it, but he couldn’t get rid of the anger he felt towards his dad for dying. He didn’t know what had happened to him. It was a prohibited topic within his family (one of many), so nobody had ever told him why he wasn’t with him. And Keiji’s thoughts where rarely on his side. He didn’t really care about what had happened to him in moments like these. The only thing his mind focused on was ‘why’.

Why had his dad given up on his family, leaving him with this monster called mom? Would things be better if he was here? Or would it be the same? Would he be the same as his mother, or would he support him? Akaashi didn’t like wasting time in questions he couldn’t answer. Especially question he had been asking himself since he had memory. He would never know nothing about him, and he didn’t know how he felt about that.

He slowly cleaned everything up and went upstairs to his room. His room was next to his mother’s and he was sure that if she heard him cry, he would get another slap. It wouldn’t be the first time. Akaashi had already learned that crying was the worst he could do, but trying to hold himself from crying made him feel even more overwhelmed, made his throat tighten even more.

Keiji thought of his safe place: Koutarou. But this only made him feel worse with all the things that had happened that day. He felt how his heart physically ached, noticing how he had lost his safe place. Now every time he would think of Koutarou, he would feel guilty. Guilty for being the way he was. For having feelings for his best friend. And sad. Cause Koutarou was going to college, meaning they would not be able to see each other every day anymore. And it wasn’t only Bokuto, but all the third years. All of his friends.

He couldn’t survive being alone again. Throughout all his childhood, Keiji had to deal with his feelings alone, but his body had learned a coping mechanism: thinking of someone he loved. First it was this ideal mom, which didn’t work out so well. But then, life showed him Bokuto. The star that came to save his life.

Without the spiker, Akaashi feared he would finally give up. But not in the sense of dying. There was something worse than that. Akaashi knew that alone, he would have to live a lie. He knew that he would not be able to control himself from becoming the son his mother wanted. Because, at the end of the day, if he didn’t have any friends, why was it worthy to be himself?

Yet, he couldn’t help but wonder, who the hell was the real Akaashi Keiji? How was that person? Who would he be if he could just be free?

Without Koutarou, would he ever get the opportunity to live? Akaashi knew the answer to that. Today it was not a day to lie to himself. Without his star he wouldn’t get the chance to find out who he is. He would be alone, miserable. Nobody would love him.

In the best scenario, his mother would find a nice woman and would engage them. And Keiji should feel loved. But how can someone love you if they don´t know you? If you just show them what you want?

All of Akaashi’s thoughts started consuming him, and before he knew it, he was sobbing violently. He couldn’t control anything. He felt as if he was being chocked by all of his family at the same time. If he lost Bokuto, Keiji would just be a puppet, and by loving him, he had already lost him.

Keiji didn’t sleep until 6 am.

Akaashi woke up because of someone knocking his house’s door. He checked the clock beside his bed. It read 12:00 pm. Keiji wasn’t going to school because of the marks his mother left him. They always did it this way so that nobody would notice. Remembering there was someone outside, Keiji started panicking. Was it one of his aunts? A co-worker of his mom? Quickly, Keiji noticed that, whoever that person was, he would have to pretend. Act. He felt that after all this time, he should be able to have the courage to stop playing the game his mother wanted him to play. He should be brave enough to stand up for himself.

But he wasn’t. He never would be able to be the person he wanted to be, the person he truly was. But did he even deserve it? Did he deserve to be himself? Wasn’t he a curse to his mother? To all of his family? Being himself would only bring him pain. Nobody accepted gay people. He felt so weak. Why did he even think he deserved anything other than this? He was a coward, weak disappointment.

He had heard so many times that everyone had a purpose in this world, but how would someone like him make a change. And even if it was a selfish thought, did he really have to go through all of this pain just because he had a “mission”? Because thinking about it, Keiji didn’t hesitate to tell himself it wasn’t worth it.

Akaashi hadn’t noticed that he had spaced out until someone knocked his door. He was still wearing pajamas, his hair was messed up and he had big eye bags. He shivered, scared of what his mother would do to him, but then he heard Bokuto’s voice. His body reacted before his thoughts could continue destroying him. His whole body relaxed just by hearing Bokuto’s characteristic voice. He forgot about everything that had happened the day before as all of his thoughts focused on one thing. He was safe.

“Akaashi, are you there?” The spiker asked gently. His voice made Akaashi relax even more in bed. He felt so relieved he never wanted Bokuto to go away. But then he remembered all that had happened the day before, and Akaashi started to panic. His heart raced up and he couldn´t control his breathing. He felt as if he was suffocating. And the only way he knew how to calm down, now was gone. He couldn’t think of Koutarou, specially now that they were a door apart.

Akaashi tried calming his heart and steading his breathing. He tried to control his fast breathing. But his thoughts didn´t let him. How was he supposed to face him right now? He had a bruise on his face, could barely move, and probably had red eyes because of crying. Not to mention his eyebags. He couldn’t make Koutarou worried, he didn´t deserve it. He probably already had too much in his head so, what the hell was he supposed to do?

A part of Akaashi’s mind was practically yelling at him that Bokuto would be more than fine helping him get over these thoughts. But rationality was never on his side when his anxiety took over.

Akaashi gathered all the strength he usually reserved for his mother and whispered. “Bokuto-san?”

Keiji heard the door open and froze beneath the bed sheets. He couldn´t move a single muscle. His back was facing the door, which didn’t let him see Bokuto. Akaashi felt so weak and tired he couldn’t even change positions, and Bokuto didn’t take long to notice. He sat in Akaashi’s bed, in a border Akaashi could see without moving. But still it was hard to see each other. The lights of the room were off and the curtains closed. Even if Akaashi couldn’t see more than the spiker’s silhouette, he knew Bokuto was worried about him.

This made him feel so guilty he hid beneath the sheets, covering all of his face. Bokuto stayed uncommonly silent, but Akaashi felt how the body next to him gently moved to hold his hands and uncover him.

“Akaashi, are you okay?” The spiker whispered. Keiji heard the worried tone Bokuto had, and started imagining his friend’s frown, and his face tilted to its left side; expression he used when he was confused about anything.

Akaashi couldn’t bring himself to speak, feeling to overwhelmed with his feelings. Holding hands with Bokuto wasn’t something that happened frequently and Akaashi’s thoughts were running through his mind faster than they have ever been. It felt so intimate and so- right. The setter couldn’t begin to understand why his mother, or why society thought this was awful.

Still immersed in his thought, Akaashi stayed quiet. He couldn’t lie to Bokuto, but he didn’t want to make his friend more concerned. He still couldn’t think of what to say when Bokuto moved again, closer. Akaashi suddenly felt arms surrounding him. He felt the warmth of Bokuto’s body, and his body couldn’t resist to move closer to Bokuto. They were both struggling with the bed sheets, but Akaashi’s mind was much more focused on the spiker. He could feel Bokuto’s face getting closer and closer to his; the setter started feeling the other’s breath.

“I’m here for you.” Bokuto whispered to his ear. Akaashi couldn’t avoid shivering, having the spiker this close to him. Even if people saw Bokuto hugging his friends constantly, every time he did it, he really meant to transmit all the emotions that a hug was supposed to give you. Support, love, concern. Akaashi had never been able to control his heartbeat when it happened. “Take all the time you need to talk. I’ll wait for you.”

His whole body relaxed while Bokuto hugged him tighter. Even his heart decided not to think of his crush in Bokuto. It was as if his whole body knew he just needed the support, romantically or not. But suddenly Keiji couldn’t move. He noticed something Bokuto had said and his throat tighten.

‘I’ll wait for you.’

Those were the only words Akaashi needed in that moment, and he hadn’t noticed. Keiji couldn’t understand how Koutarou always knew what he needed. It was just as he thought. Not only did he know how to handle Bokuto, but Bokuto did the same with him. It was as if their souls understood each other.

Akaashi memorized everything about the spiker in order to help him in every possible situation. And in return, Bokuto was the best person he could have asked to accompany him. The spiker talked so much, most people didn’t pay attention to the half of it. But his setter listened to everything. And everything that came out of Bokuto’s mouth was a meditated phrase of comfort; a promise that everything would be fine, that he was there for whoever needed him. Few people knew how special Bokuto was. And only Akaashi knew Bokuto was all he needed.

All of his life, Akaashi had been manipulated by other people. To act a certain way. To make certain friends. To like and do certain things. To accomplish certain goals. To be a person molded by his mother and family. He had never taken the time to know who he really was. Who he loved. Who he wanted to be. What he wanted to do. All was already planned by his mother, but with Bokuto he could dream about another life. One where he could do what he wanted and love who he wanted and act like he wanted; indifferent about not meting his mother’s expectations. With Bokuto, he could be free.

Bokuto was more than just his safe place. Bokuto was his dream. His safe life.

Bokuto was his only hope.

Akaashi stayed quiet for so much time he was afraid Bokuto would get up in any minute; tell him to go to school. Or worse, turning on the light and seeing Akaashi. He wanted to answer to the spiker’s question but he didn’t know what to say.

‘Are you okay?’

There was so much he wanted to tell his best friend that he didn’t know where to start. He wanted to tell him everything, but wouldn´t it be too much? Wouldn’t it be too hard? Not only for him, but for Bokuto too. After all, if he wanted to finally tell the truth, he would have to admit out loud that his entire life was a lie. Well no, not all. Bokuto and him weren’t a lie. They were the protagonists of the world. And even if Akaashi was just one of the many things Bokuto thought about every day, he was sure the spiker cared about him a lot. He knew he was important to him, and this made him feel really guilty. How had he been able not to tell Bokuto in these two years? Would Bokuto be mad that he hadn’t told him before?

‘Stop!’ He yelled in his mind. He didn’t have time to overthink things. Bokuto was his friend, and deserved to know the truth. The consequences didn’t matter. In the worst case, Bokuto would get mad for some time. But Akaashi was sure that their friendship wasn’t fragile enough to fall apart because of this. 

Akaashi felt so tired emotionally, he just needed to say something. Anything. So he started with the first thing that came up to his mind. “Thank you.” Akaashi said with a raspy voice. He almost had not talked in the whole day so his voice needed some time to adjust itself. The sound made Bokuto jump with fright, and Akaashi couldn’t help but giggle. That made Bokuto smile and hug his friend closer.

“No need for thanks, it’s what friends are for.”

Auch. Akaashi didn’t expect his heart to ache this much because of a simple word. His mind ignored the fact that Bokuto was still there. Listening to him. Waiting for him. And it just focused in the word ‘friends’. Akaashi knew it would be hard to listen to Bokuto saying that, but he hated the fact that it affected him this much. It was not as if just because he had realized about his feelings, Bokuto would suddenly treat him like his boyfriend.

‘Boyfriend’. That sounded so nice, yet so unapproachable.

All these destructive thoughts started making it really hard just to breath, and Bokuto looked at him worried when Akaashi pushed him from the hug in order to breath. Even when everyone on the team had already watch him have an anxiety attack, moving away from him probably made Bokuto feel bad. And that thought alone made things so much worse. He didn’t want to make Bokuto feel bad. He felt so suffocated by all the things he was keeping to himself. He needed to tell everything to Bokuto. He owed him the truth about himself. How could he have been lying to his best friend for this long? How did he know Bokuto wouldn’t get mad and leave him? How could he tell him he was ga-

“Akaashi, focus on anything but your thoughts. Anything you’re thinking in this moment is plain self-destructive.” Keiji felt how Bokuto wiped his tears, but his throat kept closing and closing. “You can tell me anything or nothing. You don’t owe me anything.” Akaashi was so desperate to yell at Bokuto that he owed him his life. That without him he would just crack like ice. But all he could manage to get out of his mouth were coughs.

Bokuto quickly patted his back and waited for Keiji to answer. Akaashi’s mind went through his memories with Bokuto. His mother was not there to punch him for being in love with Bokuto, and he was so used to doing this when he felt bad, he couldn’t stop it. He started regulating his respiration by thinking in the first time he had watched Bokuto play; the time he decided he would go and play in Fukurodani for the next three years. Remembering Bokuto play calmed him down so easily even he was surprised.

After calming down, Akaashi didn’t waste time. He owed to Bokuto the truth. Of everything. He couldn’t back off with this. He couldn’t be a coward right now. Bokuto didn’t deserve that. “I-“ Akaashi stuttered, not sure if he should say this out loud in his house. He was so scared of his mother, even if she was out, working. And even with that, all of his cells where practically yelling him to talk. His soul was telling him to do it. His heart couldn’t bear lying anymore.

“I have a lot of things to tell you.”


	2. Cracking the mask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akaashi finally decides to tell Bokuto his new realization.

Akaashi’s heart was racing faster than when they had a big game coming. He felt as if whatever thing he would say could destroy every good thing in his life (which was mainly Bokuto). He had never felt that their friendship was weak or fragile. He didn’t even think there would be a day where he would think of it as a fragile crystal. The only thing that could assimilate to a delicate crystal was himself. Thinking of their friendship as something weak really hurt Akaashi. But at the same time reveling who he was shouldn’t end a friendship, even if that was what he had always been taught.

His family practically had brainwashed him into hating anyone but the person they wanted him to become. Keiji had come to terms with that. But messing with his friendship with Bokuto, his only safe boat, was something he wasn’t gonna allow.

He trusted Bokuto. Even when he had always been told to do the opposite, it was impossible for Akaashi to think that Bokuto would not support him; whatever version of himself he was. Akaashi knew that Bokuto would always accept him and support him happily. It was a fact for him. He was so sure about it, he even surprised himself. It almost felt as if their destinies were intertwined; as if they were meant to be with each other, in order to give the best of themselves. Akaashi’s mind subconsciously thought it sounded as if they were soulmates, but he was probably biased by his crush-

Could he even call it a crush? He felt so much more than just attraction or curiosity towards Bokuto. ‘Crush’ could even begin to cover half of the feelings Akaashi felt when he was with Bokuto. Just thinking about how the spiker would treat him if they were boyfriends made all of his body feel warm and excited. The way Bokuto treated him as a friend was enough to make him fall deeply in love with everything about him. Akaashi felt overwhelmed with thinking of all the butterflies and nice feelings he could experience if the spiker returned his romantic love.

Of course, after two years of friendship they had said ‘I love you’ s, but the setter could feel the platonic sense where it came from. Even if he ever confessed his feeling weren’t platonic, Akaashi was sure their friendship wouldn’t shutter. Yes, he had his doubts when he was in tense moments or when his anxiety took over him. Yet deep down, his heart was sure he could manage to be around Bokuto, even if it was just as friends. The only thing he needed was to be with Bokuto, friends or lovers. He understood him like nobody else, and always protected him and supported him.

So, at the end of the day, he knew the doubts he had about telling him the truth about him were unjustified. Bokuto was the most understanding person he knew, and Akaashi was sure that they would get over every obstacle life gave them. Their friendship was the strongest and purest thing in Akaashi’s life.

The spiker had proved him in so many ways that he was worth his trust, that he wouldn’t judge who he was; the words he said came out more easily than he thought. “I haven’t been really sincere to you with who I am.” Akaashi whispered as he sited in the bed and hugged his legs. He needed to look Bokuto in the eyes while saying the truth. He needed the strength the spiker always transmitted him.

Bokuto stayed silent and against Akaashi’s efforts, he started panicking. His hands began to move, digging his nails into his palms harshly. He felt a sour taste inside his mouth and Akaashi started losing control over his body. His feet were uneasy, his hands started scratching his legs, and even though all he could think of was ‘make it stop’, his body ignored all his prayers. Even when he trusted he and Bokuto would overcome anything, that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be moments where they could fight. He knew he could trust Bokuto, but in moments like this, his mind couldn’t think logically.

He could feel how Bokuto’s eyes focused only in him and how his friend’s brain was working hard, thinking what to reply. “You can continue. I’m not here to judge everything you say. I just want to help you, Keiji.” Bokuto said finally.

Akaashi froze when he heard the spiker call him by his name. Even though they had been friends for two years, they rarely used each other’s name. Akaashi knew Bokuto put especial attention to what words he said when he was feeling down, and even if the setter hated himself for it, he couldn’t help but feel warmth throughout all his body.

He was so shocked, the setter didn’t know what to respond. Whenever he was feeling too many emotions, it got harder to react and to respond, let alone giving a proper answer. Therefore, Akaashi stayed quiet for some moments, sort of waiting for Bokuto to continue, until he noticed his mistake and talked. “It’s not like I really know who I am, but I’ve always acted the way my mother wants me to.” Keiji managed to whispered. He couldn’t think straight. He knew his mom was not there, yet he was dead scared that she would listen to him and punish him for it. He never had said something like this out loud, and doing it in her house didn’t help him to calm down.

But he also felt frustrated. How could he let his mother manipulate him to the point where he was suspicious even when he _knew_ she wasn’t near? He felt weak, fragile. And by each second it passed, he felt more and more anger. Why couldn’t he get to the point? Why was he saying such vague and helpless thing? The setter didn’t think so high about himself, but he was sure he was better than this.

The setter felt bad for Bokuto. Koutarou had done so much for him, yet he was still a coward. The thought of not being enough for Bokuto crossed his mind. It wasn’t rare for him to think that, but Bokuto always noticed and told him that he was the luckiest spiker and person in the world for meeting him. That memory brought warmth to Akaashi. It helped him control his anger, and alleviate his negative feelings. Being acknowledged by his best friend felt amazing. Especially when it was Bokuto.

Even if Bokuto had his flaws, Akaashi rarely focused on them. He never cared about them if they weren’t playing an important game. And even with his flaws, Bokuto was still a star in Akaashi’s eyes. Thinking about Bokuto saying such nice things to him, gave him more strength, more hope.

“If it makes you feel better, I always felt that when she was around you acted weird. I don’t know if you feel this way, but I’ve always liked to think that around the team you are more…” Bokuto stopped, trying to find the right word, “yourself.”

Akaashi looked directly to Bokuto’s eyes. The spiker knew him so well, his heart couldn’t help but skip a beat. Just as Akaashi had always thought, Bokuto was much more observant than he let people think. He was so happy that Bokuto understood him, that for a moment, he didn’t care that he hadn’t been careful wearing his mask of perfect boy.

Ever since he had accepted that Bokuto was his safe place, he had been more careless about keeping his mask on, but he never thought the spiker would notice the difference of personality he had the moment an adult came into the room. Akaashi had always been scared of his teachers and had been extremely cautious around them. They had to talk to his mother at least twice a year, and he couldn’t risk his mother knowing he behaved differently in school. And noticing that Bokuto had noticed, made him feel scared that his teammates could also see through his mask, but his mind instantly thought ‘no, Bokuto is different; nobody noticed, but of course he did’.

He couldn’t hide the sad smile that had appeared slowly in his face. He felt as if he had chains in all of his body. Akaashi avoided thinking of all the experiences he couldn’t live because of his mother’s “orders”. He tried not to think of all the times his teammates invited him to places to celebrate, but he had to decline the offer because he had to be in one of his mother’s important dinner’s. Akaashi didn’t remember how it felt to be free. To not be worried all the time of showing a crack in his mask. To not try to be perfect at everything so his mom could brag about it with her friends.

But the fact that Bokuto had noticed, made him feel oddly relieved. Even if he should be scared because of the crack in his mask, he was glad Bokuto had noticed. His heart thought, maybe, Bokuto paid special attention to him, and that made him smile. “Bokuto-san, I’ve always felt freer and safer around you. I feel like you would accept anything from me,” the thoughts he had at the match came back, and his smile rapidly disappeared. The setter lowered his volume, “or most things.”

Bokuto had been so understanding with him, but they were raised to not tolerate gay people, nor liars like him. How could Akaashi expect his friend to go against the society just for him? Akaashi knew his friend was really open minded and supportive, but wasn’t he asking for too much?

Akaashi knew the probability of Bokuto being homophobic was really high, taking into account where they lived and how they had been lectured. He wouldn’t be mad at the spiker if he didn’t accept him. After all, it wasn’t Bokuto’s fault if he thought this way, it was the people who raised them’ s fault. Everyone who had told them that being gay was a sin was the problem. But after really thinking, Akaashi had noticed that some people just _couldn’t_ open their minds. Even if they tried.

Obviously this didn’t justify all the hurtful comments and action some people made. Even if with time Akaashi had come to terms with the fact that some people would never change, it hurt. Specially if it was someone close to him. A part of him thought he could forgive them, but then all the injustice he had gone through popped in his mind, and he only felt anger.

Regardless of the probabilities, Akaashi couldn’t imagine his friend being homophobic. Afterall, Bokuto’s personality wasn’t close minded nor unempathetic. He had just told him he had lied about him for two whole years and Bokuto was still there; listening and supporting him. Normally, people would get mad at him for lying or something like that. So, how could a person like Bokuto be homophobic?

“What do you mean by ‘most things’?” Bokuto asked while getting closer to Akaashi. He had a frown on his face, and Akaashi could feel the spiker’s hot breath gently colliding with his face. His stomach did a twist and he tried to control the blush that was fighting to appear in his cheeks. “Akaashi, I’ll always be on your side, no matter what. I just want you to be happy and-”

Bokuto suddenly stopped talking. The spiker was looking intensely at him, and Akaashi remembered the bruise he had in his face. He quickly tried to turn away, moved by the feeling of vulnerability he could never show. Moved by the habit. But the ace was faster than him, and grabbed his face softly, not letting the setter move. Bokuto’s thumb moved gently over his cheek, and Akaashi closed his eyes, trying to hold back his tears.

Akaashi flicked, as his face got wet with tears. He couldn’t cry. He couldn’t cry in front of someone. He couldn’t let someone see his bruises. He couldn’t show how weak he was. He couldn’t show that people could hurt him. He couldn’t let someone comfort him. He didn’t deserve sympathy. A weak person like him didn’t deserve consideration from anyone.

He violently moved his face to hide it from Bokuto. He covered himself with a blanket, as he lost control.

Akaashi felt his whole body screaming in pain. He started sobbing, which turned into loud cries. _‘You can’t cry in front of people. Stop!’_ his mind screamed. Each sob was louder than the last, making his breathe go out of control. Akaashi felt how his brain slowly started getting less and less oxygen. The setter couldn’t control the intense panic he was feeling.

He couldn’t take his mask. He was chained to it, and if he ever tried to tell the truth this was gonna happen. Akaashi’s body was getting to it’s limit, and having another anxiety attack was definitely not a good sign. He felt how the fear rapidly built up. Akaashi was tired. He felt weak. Was there even a point in fighting for air? He could just drown himself with his tears and finally end all of this act, all of this suffering.

Sure, his team would be sad for some time, but they were strong; they would move on. Bokuto was a star, he didn’t need him. His lungs hurt, as they tried to get some air against his will. Dying sounded as freedom.

All he wanted to do, was be in peace.

Bokuto’s POV

Bokuto had seen Akaashi have anxiety attacks, but he never knew what to do exactly. All he wanted to do was help his friend, but he didn’t know how. The feeling of impotence filled his whole body. Akaashi was feeling horrible for a reason he still couldn’t quite catch. His mom sucked, obviously, but Bokuto could tell there was something else. Akaashi wanted to tell him something, but was scared that he wouldn’t accept him. Koutarou had that clear, but he didn’t know what else to say to reassure his friend. A part of him felt hurt that Akaashi could think that their friendship could break just because of who he was, but the spiker knew Akaashi didn’t really mean it. He knew it was his friend’s anxiety taking over him.

After he knew Akaashi had anxiety, he had searched a lot of information about it. He knew his friend needed support and he was more than happy he could give it; but it was harder than he had thought. There wasn’t a universal solution to these attacks, but Bokuto had to try.

“Akaashi, breath with me. Slowly. You can do it. Just focus on our breathing.” He said while grabbing Akaashi’s face again. He needed Akaashi to look at him. This thought alone made him blush, and he thanked Akaashi in his mind for having his room as dark as possible.

Bokuto couldn’t help but get scared of Akaashi moving away from him again. That had hurt more than what he had expected. He regretted so much crossing his friends boundaries, he only wanted to protect him. But the moment he saw the bruise in Akaashi’s face, he couldn’t stop himself from checking it. The least he wanted was to make Akaashi uncomfortable, but he felt so much anger when he noticed someone had hurt Akaashi, he still could feel it. He didn’t know who had done it, but he was gonna make sure they wouldn’t do it again.

But the main problem he had now was helping Akaashi calm himself. Bokuto’s golden eyes looked Akaashi and demanded his attention. He didn’t know why it worked, but Akaashi stared at him, and couldn’t move his gaze from him. After some minutes, Akaashi’s breathing was back to normal, but the setter still looked in pain.

Bokuto didn’t know if it was the best, but he couldn’t resist giving his best friend a tight hug. He could feel Akaashi giving into the hug with each minute that passed, until Akaashi slowly moved away from it.

“Thank you.” Bokuto barely heard. Akaashi was thanking him _again._ He didn’t understand why, but he knew it was the best just to accept it. He couldn’t manage to say anything. He couldn’t say ‘that’s what friends are for’ again. That had hurt him so much, deep inside his heart. He didn’t know why, but it was just to painful to say the word ‘friend’ around Akaashi.

What was wrong with him? Bokuto asked himself again and again. Akaashi was undoubtedly his best friend, so, why did it hurt? He couldn’t ask for more. Akaashi was the best thing that had happened to him. Bokuto was sure about that. So, why saying ‘friend’ felt like holding back. Maybe Akaashi was so good for him that the word didn’t quite cover all the feelings he had when he was around the setter.

Bokuto had had a hard time with this for his whole third year, and he still couldn’t get the grip of it. The spiker decided not to start a train of thoughts that wouldn’t get anywhere, and instead of talking, he just nodded his head towards Akaashi.

The setter stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, and Bokuto could only bring himself to look at him. His long, black eyelashes were longer than usual because of the tears he had just shed. His bed hair was messier than Bokuto had ever seen and his pajamas were too big for him, showing one of his pale shoulders.

Koutarou had noticed that, since they had met, he had slowly started to stare more at Akaashi, without any apparent reason. At first, he had just shrugged it off, but by the beginning of his third year he knew each inch of Akaashi by memory. He knew Akaashi’s body so well, he could tell when his friend was having a good or bad day just by staring at him for a couple seconds. Small details always told the spiker how his friend was feeling; or at least how he thought Akaashi was feeling. He never had pushed Akaashi into telling him how he felt. He just tried to cheer him up when he thought his friend needed it.

Now that Akaashi was finally saying to his face that he had been playing an act, all the puzzle pieces matched perfectly. A part of Bokuto felt proud and fuzzy about knowing Akaashi was hiding something. He felt strange emotions at the fact that he could read Akaashi so well, and that Akaashi had finally told him the truth.

He suddenly remembered a story Kuroo had told him a couple months ago. It was about soulmates. Kuroo had told him that you knew your soulmate as well as you knew yourself; that you could read them perfectly. That you felt at ease around them, and that they would always help you give the best from you. Your soulmate would always be with you, even if you didn’t physically meet them. You and your soulmate were ‘meant to be’. Kuroo said you were really lucky if you got to meet them and that if he found his, he would never let them go.

Bokuto loved how open to love Kuroo was. He thought he was pretty similar to him, but he didn’t like to think too much about soulmates. Bokuto’s parents had always shown themselves as the perfect couple, but in reality Bokuto just wanted them to split up. The constant shouts and bruises were something he had seen daily since he was young. And a lot of people said that he was really lucky his parents loved each other, and that they seemed like the perfect soulmates.

After hearing that, even if he felt warmth thinking of having someone so special, and having someone to understand him this well, he couldn’t control the thought of ‘what if my soulmate harms me?’. Would I be able to not let them go, as Kuroo said? Bokuto couldn’t get rid of the bittersweet feeling he had when thinking of soulmates and that made him feel alone and unworthy. Unworthy of being loved.

Bokuto harshly grabbed those thoughts and hid them. He had more important thing to focus on: Akaashi. Even if he was glad he could understand his friend, he felt really hurt. Not because Akaashi had hid these for two years, but because Akaashi was going through all this stuff.

Bokuto had been so happy in the team since Akaashi had joined. There had been finally someone who really tried to understand him and help him give his 120%. Akaashi had put so much effort in Bokuto, he had always felt he owed him. Akaashi always cheered him up, always tried to make him feel better. Akaashi trusted him, even with all of his flaws.

Bokuto felt so happy and motivated when he was with Akaashi, he thanked the world for giving him such an amazing person. And in moments like these, when Akaashi showed weakness, Bokuto had one mission: making him feel good. Returning all of the good feelings Akaashi made him feel. He would never forget the moments in which he was in a bad mood; when everyone in the team just gave up on him; when everyone questioned Akaashi:

“Why do you keep trying so hard to make Bokuto play?” And all Akaashi said was: “I think watching Bokuto-san when he’s in perfect form is really fun.”

Now, Akaashi wasn’t feeling good. No. He had been hiding this, he hadn’t felt good for a long time, and all Bokuto wanted to do was help him. Help his… friend.

His heart ached again. Bokuto couldn’t control himself from thinking of that word, but he was tired of feeling this way and not knowing what to do. He had even asked Kuroo about it, but Nekoma’s captain had his own problems with his tiny setter. Both captains regularly hang out to talk about their confusing feelings. It didn’t make Bokuto clear himself, but it was reassuring to have someone you trust feel the same as you. He didn’t understand why he could call Kuroo his friend, and feel great, but call Akaashi that, and shutter in the inside.

Bokuto felt ashamed again. He shouldn’t be thinking about this right now. He had to do something to help Akaashi, but the setter wasn’t speaking, and pushing him wasn’t something Bokuto ever planned on doing.

Next to him, Akaashi breathe deeply, as if he were preparing himself to say something important. “All my life, I have been the person my mother wanted to. I don’t know who I am because of this. But… but I’m sure of something. I- I noticed it yesterday, when we lost.” Akaashi muttered.

Bokuto tried thinking what could it be. Loosing hadn’t been something pleasant, even if now he had a new objective. Bokuto didn’t think it had to do with volleyball though. He didn’t know why. It was just a hunch. So, why would Akaashi realize something about himself by losing?

The only strange thing Akaashi had done yesterday was not waiting for the rest of the teammates. Bokuto had noticed that immediately, since he wanted to spike some of his friend’s tosses. He had noticed how quiet Akaashi had been, and how unease he felt; but in that moment Konoha focused on him.

Bokuto hadn’t known what to do in that moment, he was feeling too distressed and guilty for making his team loose when they were so close to their dream. He thought Akaashi just needed some time alone, but clearly he had been wrong. He wasn’t able to protect his friend from whoever had made that bruise on his friend’s beautiful face.

Bokuto didn’t know what to do to help him, so he grabbed Akaashi’s hands in his own, trying to show him support. Akaashi’s gaze went from their intertwined hands, to Bokuto’s eyes, and the spiker’s heart started beating faster and faster. Akaashi took a deep breathe, and talked. “I- I like boys.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if I post too slowly but I'm really trying to put effort in improving my writting. I hope I can write the next chapter as soon as possible, and hopefully I won't take this long.   
> Thanks for the kudos and the support <3


	3. The end of the beggining

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto comforts Akaashi, as he opens up about his trauma.

Akaashi’s POV

“I- I like boys.”

Bokuto opened his gorgeous golden eyes, impressed with Akaashi’s words. The setter didn’t know if Bokuto’s reaction was good or not, and his anxiety got worse with each second that passed. Akaashi, for once, couldn’t tell what Bokuto was thinking. His face was just impressed, and kind of red; but that didn’t let Akaashi know whether the spiker was surprised, or disgusted. Akaashi felt unease, uncomfortable with the new feeling of not knowing what was going through his friend’s mind.

A part of Akaashi, the emotional one, knew that the Bokuto he knew wouldn’t be disgusted by him; but his insecure part couldn’t feel safe with the spiker’s silence. Bokuto was someone who normally reacted with the first thought that popped in his head, and even if in serious conversations he meditated his words, Akaashi couldn’t help but feel Bokuto was hiding something.

Obviously Akaashi couldn’t demand Bokuto to say anything, but it felt weird for the spiker to hide something from him. Akaashi focused all his attention in Bokuto’s beautiful face, trying to ignore his uneasiness. He got distracted with Bokuto’s perfect teeth that peeked from the spiker’s slightly open mouth. His lip’s shape reflected the gentleness he always showed, and Akaashi noticed marks next to his eyes that had appeared with time, for laughing and smiling so much. Bokuto’s eyebrows were arched in a gorgeous yet childish way, showing how unexpected Akaashi’s words have been.

The setter could be hours looking to Bokuto’s face. It was stunning in Bokuto’s way. Even if he had a sharp jawline and factions, every expression Bokuto made came along with the spiker’s particular glow of childness. Some people thought that it was weird for a third year to react in such an unmature way, but Akaashi loved it. Whenever Bokuto’s eyes glowed with amusement, Akaashi’s heart would melt. It was so wholesome seeing his best friend happy.

The last three words stayed in his mind, circulating without leaving. Akaashi had known since the moment he realized his feelings for Bokuto, that he would have to conform with staying as friends. But his heart and mind hadn’t actually thought about what that really meant.

The setter begun feeling guilty about the fact that he knew Bokuto’s face perfectly. The fact that he felt warmth whenever he saw the spiker. Akaashi all of sudden noticed how close they were and begun feeling uncomfortable. His mind couldn’t stop the train of thoughts. Akaashi felt that he was lying, deceiving the spiker by not telling him he liked him. He thought it was wrong for him to be this close to the spiker.

Akaashi noticed how Bokuto’s face changed and feared that he had shown too much. That his face was betraying him, showing his true feelings.

Bokuto begun stuttering. “That’s awesome, Akaashi! I- I mean, I’m glad you can accept it and. Oh no, no. I didn’t mean it as if you looked gay. Oh fuck that came of badly. There’s nothing wrong with looking gay of course, I just. Ugh, I’m glad you can be more honest to yourself. And um, thanks for telling me. I mean! Not because it changes anything. Fuck fuck fuck. I just meant that, I’m glad you can trust me…” The first thing the setter felt was relief. Bokuto still cared about him. But Akaashi couldn’t help but raise an eyebrow as he tried to think of a reason why Bokuto would act these nervous.

Wait. How could Akaashi not predict this? Bokuto didn’t like him, so what if he started feeling uncomfortable around him and things got weird between them? Even if Bokuto said there was no difference, Akaashi noticed how the spiker seemed more uncomfortable. He knew the only option was hiding his feelings. Bokuto’s happiness was everything to him, and he wouldn’t ruin the only good thing in his life because he couldn’t pretend. Even if Bokuto accepted his sexuality, that didn’t mean the spiker would return his feelings. Akaashi could never tell him about them. He couldn’t risk it all.

An increasing sound made Akaashi focus in Bokuto again. He had started breathing loudly and fast, making his cheeks get blushed. The setter sensed how they were getting more and more uncomfortable and felt guilty about it. He had to say something that would make Bokuto feel good. Making the spiker uncomfortable was the last thing he wanted. “Don’t- um… this doesn’t mean I like you or anything so you can calm down, Bokuto-san. I just wanted you to know cause… um. Well, you’re my best friend and I really trust you.” It had been so painful for Akaashi to say “best friend” he almost couldn’t suppress the doubt in his voice. “Besides, I was really hoping to tell someone that would accept me.” There was a brief silence. Bokuto’s faced seemed confused, so Akaashi continued. “Not my mother.”

“Oh!!! Now I get it.” Bokuto said, giving him the childish smiled Akaashi absolutely adored. “And yeah, of course I support you. You are my best- you’re still the same Akaashi I know.” Bokuto made so many expressions, Akaashi couldn’t keep track of them, nor tell what was going through the spiker’s mind.

Bokuto could pass through dozens of expressions in one second, and that made it harder to read him. Akaashi knew the spiker was being honest, and a part of him felt something weird. He felt something he had never experienced before. Honest acceptation. Acceptance of who he truly was.

Akaashi felt so overwhelmed by this feeling that he took advantage of his mother not being there and let himself cry. The moment he stopped suppressing his emotions, he felt freedom; something he had nearly forgotten. Those were happy tears. He finally felt hope again. Bokuto would let him be himself. He would never judge him.

This thought instantly made Akaashi hug Bokuto, and give him a kiss in the cheek without thinking. Akaashi felt so relieved that he didn’t really thought about what he was doing. He just wanted to show Bokuto how much this meant to him, and the spiker continued comforting him. “I’m so happy for you. Us. You can be yourself with me, and I promise I’ll help you change the world into a place that will accept you as well.”

“Isn’t the world too much, Bokuto-san?” Akaashi asked, laughing softly and shedding tears in Bokuto’s shirt.

“Then whoever you want. Whoever you need.” Bokuto hugged him tighter. “It’s a promise.”

Bokuto’s POV

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

Had Akaashi noticed his blush? Did he reveal anything? Bokuto thought that he had done quite well, not hiding, but at least controlling his expressions. Kuroo had helped the spiker think of a way in which Bokuto could hide his feelings, after both captains started talking about their weird relationships with their setters. Kuroo knew him so well, he came up with a plan that was perfect and easy for Bokuto to do. After all, Kuroo knew him almost perfectly, only behind Akaashi.

Basically all Bokuto had to do was make many expressions, so the other person didn’t have time to analyze anything. Apparently Akaashi hadn’t noticed that he was unable to say the word “best friend”, so he would thank Kuroo later.

But Bokuto had something more important to think about though. Who the hell had dared laying a hand on Akaashi’s face?

The spiker knew his friend, and knew that he had to calm down. Akaashi would never tell him who had done it if he came all hot headed and asked. That was his new objective, after all. Becoming an ordinary ace. Controlling his mood changes, even if it was something Bokuto had so internalized, it seemed impossible. He had to be reliable. He had to give his 120%. He had to be like Akaashi.

The wound was still too fresh for him to really think about the fact that they had lost because of him, but honestly, everything was beginning to be too much, and ignoring his feelings was becoming more and more difficult. Bokuto felt how his mind started listening more to his bad thoughts. He should be worried about Akaashi, who clearly was struggling more than him, but the fact that now he had such a concrete defect about him, was distracting his mind. He felt so bad for every member of the team, specially Akaashi and the third years. Akaashi had put so much effort training with him, that Bokuto felt he owed him the victory. He had promised the setter that, after all. And the third years had been with him for the past 3 years. They had been his true friends, and he had disappointed them.

Thinking all of that made his heart ache, and the spiker found himself unable to look Akaashi in the eyes. He felt ashamed. What type of friend was he? How could he be this weak? Everyone had trusted him with that last spike, and he had failed.

But suddenly, as his mind tended to do, his thoughts focused on Akaashi’s bruise again. He hated how his mind switched his thoughts this harshly. He couldn’t focus on anything for too long, but Akaashi needed him now. He was counting on him. He had trusted him, and the least Bokuto should do was give his friend all of his attention.

He knew he had to ask calmly if he wanted any answers but the rage he was feeling wasn’t easy to keep under control.

When Bokuto finally had the courage to look to Akaashi’s face, he noticed that the setter hadn’t said a word since Bokuto talked. He didn’t really overthink it though. Akaashi wasn’t looking at Bokuto, so the spiker took the chance to really admire Akaashi’s face, which usually helped him to calm himself. His face looked pretty, even with the bruise. Bokuto felt as if he was being enchanted by Akaashi’s beauty, and he couldn’t restrain his hands from moving towards the setter’s face.

He softly rested his hand on Akaashi’s bruise, and caressed it. Akaashi’s eyes were shining, even though it was dark, and the spiker took the chance to admire the setter’s unique eyes. Akaashi always gave him the closest he could get to being in peace. His factions were so delicate that something as rough as a bruise looked strange, foreign even. Akaashi shut his eyes almost immediately after Bokuto touched the bruise.

“Does it hurt?” The spiker asked concerned. He knew it probably hurt, but he was too focused on Akaashi to mind asking obvious questions.

“Nah, I’m fine. There’s nothing to worry about, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto didn’t know how to feel. They were really close, yet Akaashi refused to give too much information to him. Bokuto didn’t know if it had to do with him acting immature, or if it was just that Akaashi didn’t trust him. The mere thought of the setter not trusting him, made his heart ache deeply.

But at the same time, it didn’t make sense. Akaashi had just come out to him, so why couldn’t he be honest with him now? He didn’t know what to say. He felt so insecure at the moment, he didn’t want to risk saying anything that would make Akaashi close up even more. Bokuto felt so much impotence for not being able to help his friend, his mind only focused on his self-destructive thoughts.

The spiker closed his eyes as he rested his head in Akaashi’s shoulder. He was using all of his strength not to cry, but with every second that passed, it was becoming impossible. Bokuto couldn’t help but think that he didn’t deserve to cry. He wasn’t the one with a giant bruise on the face. But, at the end of the day, he did have strong feelings. He didn’t want Akaashi to worry about him, but not helping Keiji was killing him.

“Akaashi, you’re obviously not fine. You never skip class; besides you have a bruise on your face.” Bokuto stopped restraining himself and let his feelings talk. He sounded hurt and tired. “I know you don’t want me to worry, but please let me help you.” He took a deep breath. “Please let me do something for you. For once.”

Bokuto could feel how Akaashi stiffened below him. He couldn’t hear the setter’s heartbeat, but he would bet it was going faster. In the darkness of the room, Bokuto raised his head to look to Akaashi’s face. The spiker could swear Akaashi had his face red from anger. “What do you mean by ‘let me do something for you for once’?” Akaashi asked with anger. Bokuto couldn’t control his surprised expression. It was really rare for Akaashi to be angry, let alone speaking with such an incensed tone. “You have done everything for me. You have helped me in every aspect of my life.” Akaashi took a deep breath. “You- you are the best person I could have asked to meet.”

Bokuto hold his breathe, surprised by the words of his best friend. Did Akaashi really see him like that? He couldn’t believe that the setter had said that out loud, he wasn’t really the straight forward type of person. Bokuto was so focused on Akaashi’s face, he thought for a second his face blushing, though he couldn’t tell very well because of the darkness. The spiker knew for sure that he was blushing.

Akaashi had never said something like this before, and his heart didn’t know how to react. All of his body was panicking, his heart racing, mind unstoppable. Bokuto really had tried to deny this to himself, but he couldn’t keep lying. Hearing Akaashi say that had made him feel like he was in heaven. Bokuto hadn’t noticed how much those words meant to him coming from Akaashi. And the way his heart felt forced him to accept that… he had a crush on Akaashi.

Bokuto immediately tried to deny it, scared of how this would affect their friendship, but his pounding heart didn’t lie. Still, it was too much to process right now. He had to talk with Kuroo afterwards. He would help him understand all of this new feeling. Oh god. Kuroo must have a crush on Kenma! All of it was too much to process. The spiker didn’t have any problem with having a crush on a man, but what troubled him was the fact that said man was his best friend. He was already in the friend zone, right?

“Please, say something.” Akaashi said softly, with a weak voice. “I’m sorry if I was too straight forward, I promise I won’t do it again. Just-“

“Akaashi! What are you talking about? I have no problem with you saying these things. I actually really like it.” Bokuto shut his mouth before he openly admits that he had a crush on Akaashi. A big one. Okay, a really big one.

“Well, you weren’t talking so, I don’t know. I got scared.” Bokuto felt his heart shutter hearing Akaashi this sad. He wanted to hug him and cuddle with him until he felt better. He would even cook him something… Focus!

“I’m sorry, I just got really surprised.” Was all Bokuto managed to say. He couldn’t control his blush so the spiker hid his face under his hand. How could he continue being friends with someone he had a crush on? He didn’t want to lie to Akaashi, but he wasn’t really prepared for confessing. He needed time to really process all of this. He had to talk to Kuroo. He would help him understand his thoughts.

But first he had to know why Akaashi was like this. How could he let someone hurt him? He was supposed to be his friend, to protect him. “Akaashi, I need you to tell me who did this to you.” Bokuto used all of his courage to hide his feelings, and grabbed his friends hands. He had to comfort him. “I know it’s scary, but I swear I will protect you. I won’t let anyone do this to you.”

Akaashi looked straight into his eyes and Bokuto saw deep pain inside them. The setter seemed so troubled with the topic, Bokuto begun getting scared that this had happened before, without him noticing. He heard Akaashi’s voice before he had time to dive further into this thought. “I- you, you can’t do that, Bokuto-san. I’m sorry but-“ Akaashi sighed.

What did he mean by that? Why couldn’t he? Was he really that useless? He felt his heart ache, noticing how Akaashi was deeply immersed in these negative thoughts and how it seemed he didn’t have any way to stop it.

Even knowing about Akaashi’s anxiety, Bokuto had never been able to truly understand what was Akaashi really going through. He did his best, and he knew he helped; but his impotence was one of the many things he couldn’t control.

“Who?”

Bokuto didn’t say anything else. He needed to know who had done it. His heart was ruling his mind right now, and all he could feel was impotence. Bokuto hated that feeling. He hadn’t worked so much for him to be useless. He should be better than that. He owed Akaashi that. After all of the hours they had trained together, how could he give up that easily?

Akaashi moved his hands from Bokuto’s and hugged his legs tightly. The setter’s gaze was so hunted that Bokuto couldn’t resist hugging him. The spiker felt how Akaashi’s whole body was trembling and how he started sobbing softly. Bokuto hugged him tighter trying to transmit that he was there. That he would protect him. They stayed in this position, Bokuto not letting go and Akaashi relaxing with every minute that passed.

Right when Bokuto thought that Akaashi had fallen asleep, he heard the setter’s raspy voice. “Mother.” He whispered.

Bokuto opened his eyes in surprise. He didn’t expect that.

Unconsciously, Bokuto lost grip of the hug and Akaashi immediately started panicking. “Do you believe me? I mean, of course parents tend to do this to raise but- I mean-“ Akaashi sighed. “Pff, yeah, I’m just exaggerating…” Akaashi’s face was full of tears, and more came out as he continued talking.

Bokuto started panicking. He couldn’t let Akaashi say or think any of this. It hurt Bokuto so much that his friend thought he was exaggerating. His mother had harmed him, and Bokuto would support and secure Akaashi.

Bokuto didn’t think of anything to do to stop him rambling expect from putting his hand on Akaashi’s mouth. The setter looked at him with a confusing expression and Bokuto moved his hand to caress Akaashi’s cheek.

“Akaashi, what your mom did is not okay.” Bokuto said everything slowly, trying to think of the best way to say this. “She left a bruise on your face. She’s supposed to protect you, take care of you; not harm you.” He said with the kindest voice he could.

Akaashi remained silent while tears framed his face as they fell. Bokuto tried to keep the conversation going. He had to know more about this, he had to help and protect Akaashi.

_‘How do you expect to do that. You are a terrible friend, you didn’t even notice.’_ Bokuto shrunk, shivered when this thought crossed his mind. Afterall, not because he wasn’t thinking about it, his mind and heart would forget yesterday’s failure. The spiker felt that he couldn’t do anything. He knew he couldn’t just give up, especially now that his life was just beginning; but his negative side was still a part of him. He couldn’t get rid of something that had always been with him in just one day. Bokuto wasn’t able to feel confident, he just felt like a failure.

“For how long has this been happening?” Bokuto whispered. He looked closer to see if the question had bothered Akaashi. The last thing the spiker wanted was to make Akaashi uncomfortable. The setter was shaking, and even if Bokuto thought it wasn’t because of the temperature, he covered Akaashi in the bed sheets. An intense blush covered Akaashi’s face and Bokuto’s heart skipped a beat. He looked so cute and adorable, Bokuto wondered how was it possible for him not to simply shut up and kiss him in that moment.

His embarrassing thoughts were stopped by Akaashi’s gentle voice. Even when the setter had been crying for almost all of Bokuto’s visit, his voice wasn’t too husky, but rather soft, transmitting the sadness he felt. “Too long.”

Anger started to bloom deep in Bokuto’s heart. He couldn’t believe he had let someone hurt Akaashi. All of this time, Bokuto had been so nice to that witch, while Akaashi was struggling. How could his mom do that to him? Akaashi was so good. He deserved to have the best life he could, yet he had been suffering for years. The spiker couldn’t hold back tears full of mixed emotions. He started sobbing and his eyes blurred.

Bokuto felt a soft hand on his cheek, taking the tears away. He looked to Akaashi and saw the setter crying without making any noise _. How long did it take Akaashi to be able to cry without sound? How many nights did he spent awake, crying without his mother knowing?_ Bokuto started crying louder and Akaashi hugged him. His heart ached so much. He couldn’t bear all these thoughts. It was too much. Akaashi shouldn’t be going through all of this. It was so unfair he couldn’t stop crying. He should be the one comforting Akaashi, not the other way round. But what could he expect from himself?

He was a disaster. A storm that nobody could control. Nobody except for Akaashi.

Akaashi’s POV

When Bokuto started crying I noticed how serious this was. He should have told him sooner. Now Bokuto would think badly about himself. The spiker wasn’t only dealing with his best friend’s lies, but also with losing the day before. Akaashi felt so bad for him, that he couldn’t stop tears falling from his blueish eyes. He knew that the least thing Bokuto wanted was for him to cry, but everything hurt.

When he hugged Bokuto, his heart felt Bokuto’s pain, and it was almost impossible for Akaashi to not make a noise. He knew he had done well by finally telling him, yet he couldn’t deny that this had been a terrible timing.

Akaashi brought Bokuto’s forehead and rest it in his own. Their tears got mixed, and the setter wasn’t able to tell which one’s were his and which ones were Bokuto’s. Even with the both of them crying, this moment felt special. The two of them were sharing their struggles, their pain. And they understood each other perfectly. They reassured each other with every single touch they had, with every tear they shed.

Bokuto repeated and repeated “I’m sorry” and each time he did, Akaashi hugged him tighter. They ended up tangled between the sheds and their legs, hugging each other while laying down on Akaashi’s small bed. Every part of Akaashi was touching Bokuto, embracing his feelings, embracing every single insecurity Bokuto had, transmitting the spiker that everything was okay, that there was nothing wrong with him. And Bokuto grabbed Akaashi tightly, making up for every single time he hadn’t been there for the setter. He hugged him with the love his mother hadn’t showed.

The both of them were a mess, but Akaashi felt safe. He felt at home. Not an abusing home, but a warm and kind one. Somewhere you waited all day long to come back. And he wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. In that moment, it didn’t matter if what he felt for Bokuto was romantic or not, he just cared that they both loved and cared about each other. This was the lively example of how Bokuto would always shelter him, how he would always accept him.

Even with all the pain the both of them were, Akaashi felt so relieved and free, he knew it had all been worth it. He had Bokuto and that wouldn't change. His safe place wasn't going anywhere. 

They stayed in that position for hours. Both of them fell asleep and didn’t notice the pass of the hours. Akaashi asked Bokuto to talk about his mother’s problem another day. He was really tired and didn’t want to overwhelm the spiker even more, besides he was tired too. Bokuto agreed and they talked about nothing in particular. They just kept each other company. Akaashi told Bokuto to stay for dinner, even if it meant having to be with his mother, just because he didn’t want Bokuto to leave.

The moment Bokuto saw Akaashi’s mom, the setter noticed how he stiffened, and quickly grabbed his hand tightly to reassure him. He let go fast, since he didn’t want his mother to see, but Akaashi knew that that comfort helped Bokuto not to explode in front of his mother. The dinner had gone awkwardly, but Akaashi noticed his mother was tired, so she hadn't asked any questions.

Even when Akaashi only wanted to be with Bokuto, the time for him to go came, and Akaashi felt how he lost the grip of the feeling of safety and companionship. He ignored his mother afterwards and just left to his room, trying to not think about his bruise or anything. His mother thankfully hadn’t asked him if Bokuto knew about the bruise, probably because she had had a lot of work and was distracted. Not that Akaashi complained.

He threw himself on the bed and sighed. It had been a long day, though he couldn’t hide the smile that appeared in his face, remembering the feeling of Bokuto’s whole body in his arms. All of the spiker only for him. He felt his heart racing faster and sensed how his blood gathered on his cheeks, making him blush. He grabbed a pillow and hid his face behind it. He loved this feeling: love and acceptance. The protection he never had home had finally arrived. Akaashi knew that Bokuto would do everything he could to protect him. Even in his house. The way he reacted in front of his mom was an example.

While he was lost in his thoughts, Akaashi felt his phone vibrate. He checked the message, that surprisingly was from Kenma. Kenma didn’t use his phone much, but since Akaashi and him were close he was one of the few people who got the setter’s messages.

“Kuroo’s acting weird, did Bokuto and him plan something or what?”

“What did he do?”

“And I was with Bokuto all day so I don’t think it has to do with him.”

“Come on, you know they catch up in a 5 minutes phone call.”

Akaashi couldn’t help but laugh. Just reminding how much of a dork Bokuto was, made every single nerve of him fall more in- Damn he had to control more his thoughts. They were only friends. Even if he felt this way, this didn’t change the fact that he had no opportunities with Bokuto. Even if this hurt Akaashi deeply, he had to face the facts and be grateful that Bokuto was a part of his life. Afterall, the setter knew that, even if it wasn’t romantically, Bokuto loved him, and that was enough for now.

“He didn’t mention anything about Kuroo…”

“I was playing some videogames and didn’t notice when Kuroo head to the backyard to answer a call. After that he was acting all weird around me.”

Akaashi didn’t know what to say, so he just left the phone and went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He was exhausted and needed some sleep. Even if the next day was Saturday, Akaashi just wanted to sleep all weekend. He had a lot to study and a lot of confusing feeling to think about, but for the moment, Akaashi listened to some music and fell asleep hugging a pillow.

Bokuto’s POV

The moment Bokuto crossed Akaashi’s door he called Kuroo. The spiker started to walk towards his house, and couldn’t help but move his hands anxiously, waiting for his friend to answer. After a couple rings, Kuroo picked the phone.

“Hey bro, what’s-“

“I need to talk to you!”

“Wowow what happened?”

“Ugh! Everything!”

“Come on calm down!”

“Where are you, can we meet?”

“I’m at Kenma’s”

“Fuck! Well, erm. I think I know what happens to us. You know, about Akaashi and Kenma…”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah… we got crushes bro.”

The line stayed silent. Bokuto’s heart was going so fast he feared it was gonna come out of his chest. He knew he should’ve done this in person, but he couldn’t wait. He needed help to understand all of this. Maybe he was just crazy and Akaashi’s godly beauty had- damn. He couldn’t deny it anymore.

“Kuroo… I really need your advice. I don’t know if I’m right but-“

“Bo.” Kuroo breath deeply. “You’re right.” He said slowly.

Bokuto didn’t know what the hell was happening to his heart right now. He felt so many different and new things he was confused, but having Kuroo accept it too could just mean one thing. He was right.

“We got to meet tomorrow to talk more about this.”

“Yeah.” Kuroo sounded distracted, as if he was lost in his thoughts. “I mean, it makes a lot of sense. Ugh, I just hope we can find a way in which we don’t fuck up our friendships.”

Bokuto stayed silent for a while. He couldn’t even think about not having Akaashi in his life. “I just want to know what we’re supposed to do…”

“Hey, everything’s gonna be fine, we’re gonna think of something as we always do, okay?”

Listening to Kuroo cheered up again brought Bokuto peace. He had really good friends.

“Yeah, let’s talk tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Kuroo hanged up and Bokuto sighed. This was gonna be some new shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for posting so slowly, but as I've said, I want to take my time so this turns out the best it can. The next chapter will have a time-skip... And honestly, this time-skip is the part of the story I had planned. This 3 chapters where sort of an introduction to all of the characters feelings. I know this was supposed to be from Akaashi's point of view and this chapter was mostly Bokuto's, but I felt that it was important to see Bokuto's point of view in this "introduction".
> 
> This being said, I appreciate the support and kudos, and hope you liked the chapter.

**Author's Note:**

> I won't have a schedule for uploading the next chapters, I'll just post when i can.  
> Oh and I´m not sure how many chapters this will have. Depends on my inspiration and shit.  
> Editing insta: multi.kags


End file.
